The Lone Diner

Opening up my own abortion clinic. How does, “Why Wait? Terminate!” sound as a slogan?

I’m calling it “Miss Misbirth’s Home for the Unplanned”.

My mother walked in on me last night while I was inserting an applicator of topical cream to treat a common vaginal infection (AIDS), so I was basically lying back on the bed, naked from the waist down, legs spread, using what appeared to be the world’s thinnest, smalllest, palest, most ineffective dildo.

Best text of the night goes to the King of Imaginative Insolence, my friend, Mark: “Call me in five Jewcifer!” See you in Hell, if Jews believe in one. If so, my trident will instead be a septident, in honor of the Menorah as an ancient symbol of the Jewish faith. But fair warning, it’s going to hurt more come Hanukkah because then I have to switch to a novemdent.

Person: What did you get your Masters in?
Me: Masturbation.
Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

I’m opening up a membership-only strip club that caters exclusively to people with a club foot fetish. I’m calling it “Foot Club” or “Pussyfoot”. Haven’t decided yet. Keep your eyes peeled for my announcement on Kickstarter. First 100 backers will receive one month free membership, which includes unlimited access to our champagne room, in which you can indulge in the provision of foot massage for the lady of your choosing, and as much bubbly from Barefoot Wine as you like.

I asked the cashier at 7-11 if they do cash back. They do, but can only give you up to ten dollars. 

Me: Ten dollars?! You can’t even leave the house these days without spending twenty bucks!
Guy waiting in line behind me: I can’t even come home without spending twenty dollars!
Me: You must have a wife!

ahahaha. aha. ahem. thank you.

New movie idea - Comedy Guru - hapless fellow leads sad lonely life etcetera. meets mysterious comedy guru who provides him with the best jokes ever. he becomes a famous comedian. comedy guru mysteriously disappears. guy struggles to come up with his own jokes, fearing that his adoring fans will leave him for the desperate fraud that he is. turns out his jokes are really fucking shitty. but people still love him because they don’t notice/care. guy kills self.

Another movie idea - The Comedienne -female comedian attempts to launch a career in comedy in an industry dominated by males. she falls in love with a fellow male comedian but must compete with him for the title, “best comedian ever” in which she is the sole female competitor. they both make it to the final round and she wins the title with a joke about farts that she makes up on the spot. since it was his farts that inspired the winning joke, they both “win.” endless discussion and debate regarding whether or not or why women are funny ceases to exist.

Does anyone know of any reputable Apple repair shops in Los Angeles that are not Apple (too expensive)?