April 2012
6 posts
Opening up my own abortion clinic. How does, “Why Wait? Terminate!” sound as a slogan?
I’m calling it “Miss Misbirth’s Home for the Unplanned”.
My mother walked in on me last night while I was inserting an applicator of topical cream to treat a common vaginal infection (AIDS), so I was basically lying back on the bed, naked from the waist down, legs spread, using what appeared to be the world’s thinnest, smalllest, palest, most ineffective dildo.
Best text of the night goes to the King of Imaginative Insolence, my friend, Mark: “Call me in five Jewcifer!” See you in Hell, if Jews believe in one. If so, my trident will instead be a septident, in honor of the Menorah as an ancient symbol of the Jewish faith. But fair warning, it’s going to hurt more come Hanukkah because then I have to switch to a novemdent.
Person: What did you get your Masters in? Me: Masturbation. Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
I’m opening up a membership-only strip club that caters exclusively to people with a club foot fetish. I’m calling it “Foot Club” or “Pussyfoot”. Haven’t decided yet. Keep your eyes peeled for my announcement on Kickstarter. First 100 backers will receive one month free membership, which includes unlimited access to our champagne room, in which you can...
I asked the cashier at 7-11 if they do cash back. They do, but can only give you up to ten dollars. Me: Ten dollars?! You can’t even leave the house these days without spending twenty bucks! Guy waiting in line behind me: I can’t even come home without spending twenty dollars! Me: You must have a wife! ahahaha. aha. ahem. thank you.
March 2012
1 post
New movie idea - Comedy Guru - hapless fellow leads sad lonely life etcetera. meets mysterious comedy guru who provides him with the best jokes ever. he becomes a famous comedian. comedy guru mysteriously disappears. guy struggles to come up with his own jokes, fearing that his adoring fans will leave him for the desperate fraud that he is. turns out his jokes are really fucking shitty. but people...
February 2012
1 post
Does anyone know of any reputable Apple repair shops in Los Angeles that are not Apple (too expensive)?
June 2011
1 post
February 2011
1 post
December 2010
2 posts
THE NYTIMES IS GOING TO PUBLISH MY LETTER TO THE EDITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My NY Times Letter to the Editor
In response to this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/13/us/13prison.html
My Draft:
Georgia Inmates Have it Right
Georgia inmates contend that if they have access to better educational opportunities beyond the GED to prepare them for release, violence and recidivism will go down. They’re not the only ones who know this to be true. Countless reports released by the US Department of...
I’m a member of NAMSLA: National Association of Man/Snake Lover Association. “No one has the right to tell me who to love.” - Founder
November 2010
6 posts
me: i wanted to start one about nyc dating but i don’t date lol
Joe: Hahahahaha!
me: how to not get a date in NYC
Joe: How to date poorly, an expose by {name redacted}.
me: lol. sex in the city but with a twist - sex with yourself
Joe: Hahahahahah!
me: instead of cosmos we drink gin lots of it then get really sad and pass out
Joe: BOURBON
me: either one
Joe: yayyyyyy
me: instead of fancy bars and restaurant /club openings we hit up dives and instead of 4 girls
me: it'll be a mish mash of four drunks boys and girls and instead of a gay we’ll have a sober friend who's in AA that they never see. she's a ghost
Joe: Just when things seem like there might be some sexual chemistry, they get too drunk and passed out.
Joe: Like …eye contact …lean …lean mouths open ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
me: she was a sex writer, but ill make the main character a booze writer
Joe: NICE
me: got to live the life to write it
Joe: Exactly.
me: throw in a funny black friend and we’re done
Joe: BAM INSTANT SUCCESS
me: dont steal my idea!! i think it may be funnier if it were men
Joe: TOO LATE I MADE MONEY
me: lol. like, the guy is this self involved nutbag
Joe: SO FAR SO GOOD
me: who can’t stop drinking and blogging his failed sexual escapades. whiskey dick. his name is richard and his column is called whiskey dick
Joe: You’re actually on to something here.
me: i know
brandon vaughn: LA Comedian Tumblrs 2 →
Anyone got a list as good as this for NYC based comedians?
brandonvaughn:
A few months back I posted a list of LA comedian Tumblr’s that I dig. Here’s a few more to toss on that list. Some I know, some I don’t know, but all are very funny and will keep your laptop keys brined from laugh tears.
Andrew DeWitt - We went to high school together and hadn’t seen each…
Me, saying goodbye to my old roommate’s brother after I moved out —
Me: I’ve got three words of advice for you Luis, that will carry you through your college years, okay?
Luis: Okay…
Me: Use. A. Condom.
Roommate (shouting): WRAP IT UP!
Me: Wrap it up!!!
Job done.
Me: What are you doing today? Landlord’s son (age 11): I have to read for two hours. Me: Do you think I’m pretty? Landlord’s Son: Yeah (Lies, all lies!) Me: Okay, well, pretty girls like guys that can read. We don’t play that stupid man bullshit. Landlord’s son: Really? Hey Muhammad (little brother, age 9), if we read, girls will like us. Little brother: What? Job...
October 2010
10 posts
Not to be a fucked up asshole, but myself and others would have a better chance for a seat on the rush hour morning 1 train if some guys didn’t sit with their legs spread so wide as if their “huge balls” prevented them from closing their legs like normal people, and also if people’s asses weren’t so fat.
I went to the Columbia Presbyterian hospital last night. I’m so used to Bellevue ER psych. This was totally different. First, I know to tell Bellevue that I’m having trouble breathing, and not having a panic attack. They’ll send you right to psych ER, which is an insane place. I always beg to be moved to regular ER. I’ve been wheeled in and out of both, in a wheel chair and...
Ned Hepburn: Maybe I should start from before the... →
I just came back from some insane D.C. meetings with mostly conservative Republicans. I obviously cannot go into the details, but when my group had lunch in a Senate building cafeteria, Obama came up as a topic. When we left, a woman stopped us and said, “I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation,but I work as a senior staffer to ——, and thought you might be interested...
Natasha VC: The Teenage Blowjobber →
Just a swift comment. Teenagers do wax their vee jays…if they have the means. I got a pedicure once, in a pretty swank place on Larchmont and the lady told me that she’s waxed a bunch of the girls from Marlborough School, the fancy all girls school nearby. Apparently, they’re all getting waxed, despite obvious evidence of STDs on their va-jay jays. Of course, she wears gloves.
...
Self Absorption at Discount Prices.: Party Expose:... →
I love you. So true.
theidiotking:
I KNOW there are exceptions. I know that in New York City, bars stay open until four. I know that there was this one time that you did karaoke until the sun came up and you lost your voice and it was totally worth it. I know that one time you met a girl at your buddy’s housewarming party who was…
My psychiatrist wants me to make a list of what I like about myself, and the things I am afraid of. This should be interesting.
September 2010
2 posts
Student loans debt rose 25% in '09, for the first... →
Here, here. I’ve got about $800 per month in student loan payments, and would LOVE to stimulate the economy by buying things, going out more, and saving for my future. Instead, I have a great job, extremely low pay, and am deferring all but my private loans which still take up a quarter of my income after taxes. Someone needs to push down on the private lenders!!!
themattsmith:
...
August 2010
3 posts
danielleish asked: I can vouch for the 2 stop at Sterling St. It's a 2/5 stop, which is great. The block is mostly families and the block association can't be beat. Two blocks from the park, and some great restaurants around as well. If you're looking to move, I also know of an apt there with a master bedroom coming open Oct 1? Just let me know and I can put yall in touch. Hope this helps!
Does anyone happen to know what neighborhoods the 2/3 trains pass through in Brooklyn that are relatively safe, have decent amenities and all that? I need to move.
Stories to come later…
July 2010
2 posts
Does anyone want to strike up a conversation? What a slow Friday….
June 2010
7 posts
I have so much to say about my work, and sadly cannot say anything about my work. I even have to restrict what I say to certain people, depending on the audience. This is politics. But I am super excited and so happy and proud. So I suppose I can complain about regular life shit here.
I have a roommate. Haven’t had one in years. I debated living in a place close to work that sucked, versus...
You know what would be really helpful and not super annoying? If people would set their links so that they open into a new page. Once I’m link clicking away to go read/see/buy your shit - I don’t want to have to click the back button a zillion times to get back to my dashboard. Hint: go to drop down menu when you create a hyperlink and choose “OPEN IN A NEW PAGE”. Thanks....
Since ya'll love dogs and saving dogs on this here... →
May 2010
5 posts
My dad got harassed by a scam artist today and it sent him to the hospital. He’s okay but he’s so old they want to understandably keep him under observation overnight.
I think they scoped him out on his way to the bank on Larchmont. He likes to park on the side streets in order to give him a bit of walking exercise. He did his business and when he came back a man confronted him saying...
It’s mother’s day and I spoke with my mother last night. The caretaker of the woman my mother treats asked what we’re going to do, which is nothing. Mother’s day is every day, isn’t it? As is father’s day. My family doesn’t celebrate shit. My dad’s birthday was just a few days before I had my interview and subsequently got the job. I was on my way to...
April 2010
4 posts
It’s been my first week of work and I’ve already had stuff I wrote sent to an extremely high level presidential appointee - no edits made - and have recently received news that some more stuff I wrote is going to be handed out to the majority of my state legislators. This may seem like small fry to some because people do this shit like every single day, but man, it feels good to be...
Can you imagine actually making love to anyone you...
Yeah, I had my first kiss to this song.
amandalynferri:
BARF!
So I got the job.
The interview went very well but Executive Director said she had to interview that one other person this week and make her decision by Friday. I…went to celebrate with my friend later that evening and had some really good whiskey. She went home and I went to get some chicken enchiladas in mole sauce. While I was waiting for my food to arrive I checked my phone messages:
...